That's not a Hamster

Abby, at nine, was playing with her mother’s phone when she said, “hey, look mom, someone sent you a picture of a hamster.” Her mother, still distracted by her day at the hospital and making chili and an NPR’s story about the uninsured said, “that’s nice.”

Her older sister Alex, 13, flashed into the kitchen in hopes of a quick pre-dinner snack , glanced at the phone and said, “Uh. Abby. That’s not a hamster.”

Abby turned the phone upside down and said, “You’re right, it’s just the hamster’s mouth.”

“No.” Alex said. “It’s not.”

Perhaps it was my older daughter’s tone that tipped my wife off that this was not an ordinary photograph. Or maybe it was she said next.

“That’s definitely a vagina.”

“Gross.”

“It’s not gross. You’ve got one.”

“Stop it Alex.” Growled Abby.

My wife, now holding her phone, looked for the number and dialed. A man answered, thirties or forties, a professional voice. When my wife explained that she had a young vagina on her phone the man apologized, and said his son had been caught before doing this. “I assure you,” The man said, “This will never, ever, happen again and I am so sorry.”

My wife took a moment to berate him about our daughter seeing the vagina and made a few other choice suggestions. She’s good at thinking quickly under pressure.

Regardless of whether he was telling the truth, it's clear that someone was forwarding a photo of someone else's vagina.

“It’s sexting.” My 13 year-old explained to me later. “I know five kids who do it at school.”

“Are they going out?” I asked.

“No. They’re just a group, and they send each other photos of themselves.”

“Do the boys send photos too?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why sext if you aren’t going out?” I asked. I had thought "sext" had something to do with sex.

We considered this question. Some of the girls, she decided, are generally lost. Sexting is just another in a long line of activities probably designed to declare independence and early adulthood – like smoking, the nose stud and the tattoos, the died black hair and the lying. Or it can be competitive, like seeing which girl has the cojones to show more.

She clicked off the names. One of the girls is getting kicked out of school, another has been caught with alcohol. But one of the girls has friends, a stable family and is a good student. I suggested that this might feel like her best way to get attention, and it’s working if we’re talking about her. But like many things that get attention, the down side might be profound. One of the boys got caught by his mother, a rather conservative sort anyway, and now he's grounded. "like for life." my daughter said.

There’s nothing new about being able to take naked photos of yourself. Many a Polaroid camera has been used in this way. What’s different is how many kids have access to cameras, now that they are ubiquitous in even the lowliest cell phone. And of course, the eternal life a photo can have after it exists. We figured it out, after the photo exists, people in Nepal and Narobi can see it after only about six clicks and a few forwards.

“Can you imagine a college interviewer googling you and her finding your naked body parts?" I asked.

She nodded in that vague agreement that means either, “yeah” or “can we be done talking about this?”

And it made me realize – we the first generation of parents to deal -- on this scale -- with raising kids who can harm their own futures by simply pressing a few buttons on a machine they interact with multiple times every day. I envy parents who only dealt with weed and cigarettes, alcohol and automobiles. Now we have to teach them how to avoid posting dangerous things about themselves.

You know, like their hamsters.