NO, you can't grow up. No more conversation.

IN THEORY, we parents want the same thing as the adolescent.

We want them to emerge from adolescence as a young adult, capable of living independently without, you know, being a heroin dealer or endorsing any political efforts we find objectionable.

But the reality is slightly different.

There are many of us who mourn and idealize those younger years. When the little ones spontaneously held our hands and couldn’t possibly fall asleep without an elaborate ritual involving parental reading, singing, and, if necessary, sacrificing a goat.

Strictly speaking, if we were being logical, we would give them incremental independence, and as they demonstrated they could handle it, we’d offer a little more. But we aren’t.

Let’s face it, a small part of us sings and dies with each new independent burst. I call them bursts, because that’s how this works – growth isn’t linear – one moment a kid can’t tie her shoes, the next she works in the city and has a tattoo.

Yesterday my wife dropped our eldest at her boyfriend’s house – my wife spent a few minutes with his mother – and drove home. Alex is only 13 and they’re hanging out with his family listening to music and facebooking. But my wife wept in the car on the way home.

She (and I) miss that little girl who was so full of wonder and songs and was mesmerized by all things bedazzled and sparkly.

We’d debated the trip over to the boyfriends house -- and grilled her. Who’s going to be there? What are you going to do? We were, in truth, a little over the top. She thought we were worried about her having sex -- but that wasn't it.

It’s these times -- when the theory and reality get confabulated that we need to step back. When we confuse putting on the brakes because our child is ahead of herself – biting off more than she’s capable of handling – with putting on the brakes because we can’t bear to see them take one more step towards launching out of childhood.

Look, there’s no question that adolescents sometimes lie, cheat, steal, and routinely reveal their immaturity. But sometimes, it’s us – wishing the cosmic toothpaste back in the tube, trying to force them just a few developmental milestones in reverse.

The reality is that Alex, while only 13, has a good head on her shoulders. I’m sure she lies to us and withholds a good deal, but she’s assertive, perceptive and smart. She was ready for a boyfriend, and if you’re going to have one, you probably should be allowed to spend a little time with him.

So eventually, I picked her up from his house and when we got home, she hung around the kitchen with her mother, and then goofed off with the camera with me, and for a little while, she was that little girl -- and all was right with the world.