When I was growing up, we had dinner together as a family every night. The four of us sat round our Formica coated kitchen table and I tried to avoid leaning my head back into the baskets my mother had nailed into the wall behind my spot.
Dinner was an active event, it’s where stories were told, expectations set, and we learned about one another’s lives. It was there that I learned that my mother was struggling with her coworkers at the hospital or that the other teachers at my father’s schools were going to strike. I learned about David’s piano recitals and who was going to attend. And they asked me questions about my school work, my friends, and girlfriends. I didn’t always enjoy the conversations, especially during adolescence, but I never doubted that this was a part of my life.
Today, the four of us – my wife and daughters -- eat together as a family twice a week. Abby has gymnastics three nights during the week, and Alex has dance, so we manage to pull it off only on two evenings.
There is only one place where I can reliably learn about my children's lives and only if I tightly control the distractions and other technology available there.
The car.
I am in the car with my children for three to four hours every week. Two or three hours with the little one back and forth to gymnastics, and an hour with the older one. Because the older one is a more efficient sharer of information, this is probably the right ratio.
And I’m usually exhausted from a long day and Abby and I even eat on our way home. I’m working to get better at it. It’s here that I’ve learned about Alex’s friendships and issues with teachers and schoolwork and even about her new boyfriend. And Abby’s friends and her teacher and what happened at gymnastics. And I occasionally tell stories from our past – the kids seem to enjoy hearing about themselves as little kids.
I think it’s harder than those dinner-time conversations from my youth, but it can work.
It has to.
Does it have to, or have you surrendered to it?
ReplyDeleteSome families set boundaries and priorities so that activities don't over run the rest of family life, especially the "sacred" family meal.
Most people I know probably believe that the benefits their children get from a life of activities outweighs family meals together.
It is a challenging balance.
My family sat at a round Formica table too (did everyone on Hampton Lane?). In a somewhat chaotic childhood, this was the only time I recall spending time with my family. Not sure we even shared much real information (I knew what was going on in my sister's life by secretly listening in on her phone conversations)but it was the only thing I could count on. My mother was a horrible cook, but despite her struggles she managed to put something together for when my dad got home from work.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much research information that validiate family mealtime as vital to the social, emotional and academic health of not only children, but adults. If kids have late activities, it is better to serve a late meal. Don't get me started about eating in the car!