An open letter to my 13 year old daughter about sex.

Dear daughter.

You are way too young now, but I’ve noticed boys starting to visit and your friends have had some boyfriends. I guess you have too, but none of your relationships have lasted as long as your average cricket match, so I know it’s still early. But not for long.

First, before you roll your eyes and believe that you know all of this already: it is likely that sex will be different than you expect. You saying you understand it completely already is a little like saying I know what it will be like in Calcutta or Nigeria, even though I’ve never been there before.

The society is accustomed to bombarding you with sexual images and it may be difficult to figure out what the “real” rules are, so I’m going to tell you.

As I’ve shared with you before, the best way to understand how boys really feel about you is to watch what they do, and pay less attention to what they say. You will be able to tell when boys really love you because they will treat you well and care about what you say. They will have opinions about it, remember what you said, and seem passionate. That said, there are predators – some boys and men who are assholes and will pretend to care about you and won’t. They will rarely be able to keep it up for long though, so the longer you wait, the more likely you will discover which camp they belong in.

Okay, enough stalling. The rules:

1) Regarding sex: it’s important to go slowly and take your time. This is the best way to know how someone feels about you. You have nothing to prove. In the US, roughly 3 of 10 girls have had sex before their 17th birthday. In my humble opinion, this is too young.

2) You deserve respect at all times. Demand it.

3) Don’t put yourself in stupid situations. Ie, combining alcohol with being alone with people you don’t know. Actually, combining alcohol with a lot of situations turns out to be pretty dumb. Spending a lot of time with people you don’t know in unfamiliar places is kind of dumb.

4) It’s okay to say “No” after thinking you could handle a situation. People might be mad at you, but that’s not as bad as being mad at yourself for doing something you didn’t actually want to do.

5) The clearer you can be about what you want and don’t want, the better. Sometimes, this means thinking about it in advance.

6) There are consequences for everything. Having sex has consequences, You might have to be assertive to make sure things go down the way you want them to – this can be awkward.

7) Don’t believe the Hollywood versions of sex. Your life will not have a sound track. Your hair will not be perfect, you might get kneed and elbowed and sometimes there are even unpleasant noises and you stick to things, like car-seats. There are weird bodily fluids and...well, I've said enough.

8) No glove. No Love. That’s it. Condoms, dear one. If you have a child, I’m not raising it. Period. I’ve done my time with diapers and homework. And some communicable diseases are for life. Five minutes of sex and a future of pills, ointments, balms, lotions, creams and hassle.

9) Call me anytime, day or night, and I'll come get you.

10) Did I mention waiting a while? Yeah. Wait a while.