Everyone’s worried about your self-esteem. Math teachers and talk show hosts and advisors sing out: Girls need to feel better about themselves!
Some writers have earned considerable bling by suggesting that girls should use positive self-statements to feel better about themselves and succeed in the world. Like, “I accept myself completely” and “I am a lovable person.” The recent smash-hit book “the secret” is chock full of this sort of hopeful advice (it goes even farther – “I am a money magnet”.)
This past July, researchers published one of the first careful, scientific studies of these happy thoughts, called self-affirmations. They discovered that people with low self-esteem actually feel worse after reciting these statements. No kidding. Worse. People who already have good self-esteem feel a little better, but for people who need them the most, the statements are a downer.
To me, this is not surprising. There is only one way to feel good about yourself.
Do things that make you proud of yourself.
See, you’ve got this little person in your head who scribbles down everything you do. She sees how you treat the people around you. She sees how hard you work, and if you’re there for your family and your friends, and what kind of grades you get and how you are in the world. Let’s face it, the one person who sees you in every situation you’re in – is you.
And you’re smart and observant.
I know that body image is a big deal, but it's not everything.
And I know that middle school and junior high and high school can be like the Lord of the Flies with crazy anti-social adolescents harming one another for sport and position. If these people are cruel or non-accepting, through no fault of your own, you can be treated horribly. But lets distinguish how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about your schoolmates. It’s when you agree with other people who view you badly that you really have a problem.
See, these schools are temporary. More temporary than they seem now. But your esteem, it’s like a big ship that turns slowly – and only with the preponderance of evidence. For better or worse, you’re going to take that with you. So when you’re in a situation with your friends, or your studies or your family or with boys, it’s worth remembering that little unbreakable recorder that sees everything.
A few hours and days and years from now, my dear offspring, what’cha gonna think?
Wood JV, Perunovic WQ, Lee JW. Positive self statements: Power for some, peril for others. Psychol Sci. 2009 Jul;20(7):860-6.
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Daniel,
ReplyDeleteI have been working as a counselor in schools for....well, it makes me feel OLD to say precisely, so let's just say -- a while. I always worry about kids self-esteem because the better they feel about themselves, the better they do in school which, of course, increases their self-esteem, allowing them to do better in school which can reduce the risky behaviors(sex, drugs, driving like NASCAR) that many of us engaged in while younger but desparately don't want them to engage in because we now understand how stupid we were in high school. In my practice, I have read TONS books and curriculums that help to increase a child's self-esteem. Affirmations only work if a person genuinely believes that they are true. Kids don't want false praise anymore than adults.
Last spring I took part in a two day gathering called Generations Together. The participants were from a variety of backgrounds, ages, educational levels, religious beliefs, yatta yatta. One thing that stood out for me was said by a 9th grade girl. Apparently all she wanted to feel like she was a valued part of the community was for people to say hello. In our culture, we often say hello to adult strangers on the street, but she said that people never hello to her or kids. She feels invisible. ALL of the other students felt the same way. Do we really need books written by over-educated psychologist (no offense dan) when part of the solution is simple. Get to know the kids in your community(but don't be creepy about it). Talk to your kids' friends (even if you are worried about embarassing them -- which by the way is a parent's JOB). And don't stop there. Children with low self-esteem grow up to adults with low self-esteem. Be friendly in grocery stores, on the street, etc. While this isn't going to stop global warming, it may make the world a lot more fun.
I dunno, Rissa. I get that being friendly to kids is advisable, but it's mentorship and real guidance that they need. I guess I can see how friendliness can open the door to non-creepy mentorship...
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