Recently our ten year old fell in love with another girl – they are BFF’s. Unlike her older sister, Abby hadn’t found a group of great friends yet – probably because her temperament is unusual among girls. She doesn’t like spending time with boys and she’s fearless, energetic, and physical. She wants to climb the tree first, do flips off the high-dive, and run around in the dense woods behind our house. Her girly friends are more content to be a bit more cerebral.
So when she met Katie, a girl with the same level of energy and fearlessness, we were thrilled. Katie joined us for dinners and sleepovers and even on our family vacation to Cape May, the southern New Jersey Victorian beach community.
Until...
we discovered that Katie’s parents are, well,...uh... swingers. Not trapeze artists. Sexual swingers. You know, drop your keys in the jar, have a few drinks, and...
And not just a little bit. They are the king and queen of swingers. They organize the largest swinging event in the country down in Miami.
Being a psychologist, I’m not all that squeamish about sex – I’ve heard of all sorts of arrangements that couples make to thrive and survive and don’t think I’ve got the magic path, but I do think swinging comes from emptiness and a feeling of hunger.
And I do think that loving and being loved is the nectar of human experience and that monogamy offers safety when the winds of crisis appear.
That’s just my response to the swinging.
Oh, then there’s the strip clubs and web sites Katie’s parents run too.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met Katie’s parents and I like them. I mean, I don’t want to sleep with either of them, but I like them as people. They seem kind of down to earth.
So how do I teach Abby what I want her to learn? Do we prohibit her from seeing her first friend that truly matches her? Little Katie isn’t a swinger, after all. She’s only ten. She does seem to be growing up faster than Abby, but I can’t attribute that to her parents activities, or can I?
A few times a week I drive Abby to gymnastics. It takes about 25 minutes on mostly open highway in central Pennsylvania. And this isn’t Chicago or Denver or Boston – places where I’ve had occasion to navigate during rush hour, the roads are wide open and rural. So we have time to talk.
So I created a “virtue barrel.” It’s a pretzel barrel with moral dilemmas and virtues written on small pieces of paper. Every day on our way to gymnastics Abby picks out a few pieces of paper and answers the problem on the page. Like what do you do if a friend gives you a necklace you like and then tells you she stole it? Or, if a friend asks you to keep a secret and then tells you she’s doing something dangerous, what do you do? So far, her answers have been dead on, so I’m turning up the heat a little.
I haven’t written one that says, “what do you do if your best friend’s parents are swingers?”
I’ll wait a few months for that one.
What are you going to do? Does your daughter know about Katie's parents occupations?
ReplyDeleteOur older daughter is aware -- word spread like wildfire through the local junior high recently. It's only a matter of time. But we like Katie and actually, we like them too. I can't see prohibiting her. I'm going to focus on teaching Abby what I want her to learn about morality and ethics. Check out: http://www.jasoncjean.com/
ReplyDeleteGreat issue...I agree with your approach. I feel like foor Katie may be having to deal with a lot in the future. You know, junior and regular high school are brutal places and swingers will make for serious fodder for harassment. Maybe your family and daughter can be Katie's strength and refuge. I sincerely believe that showing your kids how to navigate these issues makes them better decision makers, helps them be less judgmental and understanding of the differences in ways people live. Wanna see how it's worked for me....read my son's blog from his experience in Peace Corps Swaziland itsbrilliantanyway.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteDefinitely not an easy situation! And definitely agree with you that bringing up the swinging issue can wait a bit. Keep us posted on how this plays out.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I certainly wouldn't prohibit her from seeing the friend, and I don't think I'd even launch into it with her, at least until I knew what she knew. Seems like it would be possible to inadvertently poison the well just going into that territory and you want the experience of this friendship positive.
ReplyDeleteI would start with the older sister - what she's heard, what she's passed along and what you'd like her to consider for herself and sister, and, well, what you'd like her to evaluate when considering the topic.
And then also with the parents of the other girl, and how they handle the firewall between their business lives and adult personal lives and their parenting. I can't imagine they haven't had to construct strategies how to keep those separate. They might have some useful advice or perspective, but either way, I think you'd want to make sure that your daughter has a developmentally respectful environment when she's with them.
I think I'd leave it alone for now with the 10 year old until it came up, making sure you have created the space for it to come up.
I like the idea of the moral pretzel jar though!
I think you are handling it well.
ReplyDeleteWe have a related situation. We welcome friends to our house but I do not feel comfortable sending her to the friends house. It may be a little judgemental but I am just being protective until she is mature enough to make good decisions.
Katherine -- what happens at that house?
ReplyDeleteParents are divorced. The father lives in a fantasy world and has posted himself on websites such as sugadaddies.com. I am not sure exactly what goes on in his house but I would rather my daughter not figure it out before I do.
ReplyDeleteOh no... grim... I agree. No daughters to that house!
ReplyDelete